9 April 1993

How many technical support people does it take to change a light bulb?

Q:
How many technical support people does it take to change a light bulb?


A:
We have an exact copy of that light bulb here in the lab, and it seems to be working fine.
Can you tell me what kind of a system you have?
Okay.
Is it dark?
Just exactly how dark is it?
Okay.
There could be four or five things wrong, unless it's something else.
Have you tried the light switch?
Well, okay, try it now.
Okay.
Look over by the door.
Door?
Yeah, the door.
Is there a little rectangular thing on the wall?
It might be a beige color, and it has a little thing sticking out of it.
Yeah, a switch.
Good.
That's called a light switch.....

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 20:43:47 PDT
From:         Mark R Panitz
Subject:      bus/trains jokes rated G

Two short jokes

First passenger (waiting at a bus stop) ask another passenger, "How long is the next bus?"

Reply: "About 40 feet!"

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2nd joke  (heard over a P.A. system)

"Will the passengers taking the 4:15pm train to Chicago, kindly put it back!"

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 20:43:47 PDT
From:         Mark R Panitz
Subject:      bus/trains jokes rated G

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: You can get your child back from a pit bull.

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 17:09:35 -0500
From:         Scott Guthery
Subject:      Hillary - G

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Q: What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything!

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 15:39:11 EDT
From:         Brian Clark
Subject:      Buddha Joke, Rated G

Bill Clinton on his morning jog

One bright day Bill Clinton departed the White House on his morning jog ...

Midway through he came across a hooker who was standing on a street corner.  As he jogged by he said, "Five dollars!"

She answered him, "One hundred dollars!" so he kept running.

The same thing happened for several days until one morning Hillary decided to join him.  Bill didn't think anything of it until he approached the street-corner with the hooker.  He thought, I'll just ignore her and maybe she won't say anything.

As he jogged by the hooker she shouted, "See what you get for Five dollars!"

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 15:14:19 -0500
From:         Bob Hambuchen
Subject:      Clinton Joke, Rated PG-13

Few lines spoken by people in county court

Here are a few lines spoken by people in county court during the last year:

- "You know what they say, the lowest price is the law at Zellars. But they also expect you to pay. That's also the law." ... Judge to man who stole t-shirts and Christmas cards...

- "The stolen car fairy?" ... Judge to a lawyer who said his client didn't know how a number of stolen cars had ended up on his property.

- "Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross dumbness in the Criminal Code." ... Judge to a man who reluctantly obeyed police orders to leave an area, yelling, "Sieg heil," and goose-stepping away.

- "It's right out of L'il Abner, isn't it?" ... Judge to a man who spat on his brother after a disagreement.

- "He was sleeping and I thought it was a good time to spit on him."... The above spitter to Judge on why he got involved in the incident.

- "He is a consumer of judicial services." ... Judge explaining the politically correct way to refer to a criminal.

- "Sorry Ma'am, this isn't Leon's." ... Judge to woman who wanted a year to pay a $400 fine.

- "This is going to make it a little more difficult." ... Judge to nobody in particular when a Polish interpreter inadvertently attended court to translate for a Portuguese-speaking woman.

- "I didn't see any hamster." ... A witness answering a lawyer's suggestion that she did not see a man, fondling his pet rodent.

- "So how old is your twin brother?" ... Judge to a man who had stolen a car with his twin brother, and who had just identified himself as being 18 years old.

- "You can now go into the Guinness Book of Records as the person who has purchased the most expensive package of Ex-Lax." ... Judge to a shoplifter who was fined $250 for stealing laxatives.

- "Some are borrowed, some are blue." ... Judge finishing a statement by lawyer who said some of his client's charges, "are old, some are new."

- "This isn't Let's Make a Deal. Do you see any doors up here? ... Judge to a man who, when asked to choose between a large fine and a short jail term for an impaired driving conviction, wanted to know the range of each to compare them and then decide.

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 09:08:35 CDT
From:         joel walker 
Subject:      opening shot (warning: some racist humor)

A lawyer and a burned down warehouse

An investigation into the fire that had destroyed Brown's warehouse took almost a year, so when he finally received word that the case had been settled, Brown immediately headed to his lawyer's office to collect the insurance money.

Once there, he was shocked to learn just how large a percentage the lawyer was retaining to cover his services.

"Face it Mr. Brown," the attorney said, "I've earned it, haven't I?"

"Jesus," Brown muttered under his breath, "you'd think _YOU_ started the fire."

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 09:08:35 CDT
From:         joel walker
Subject:      opening shot (warning: some racist humor)

Problems in nursing home

This old man was going to be put in a nursing home so his son went down with him to check out the place and help him get admitted.

First, they went on a tour of the nursing home. The boy pushed the old man around in his wheel-chair and they were shown how nice the rooms were, and how well the people there were treated and taken care of.

When they got back to the admitting office, the boy ask the old man what he thought of the nursing home.  The old man said it was real nice and he thought he would enjoy staying there.

"Well, I'm going to leave you out here with this secretary and I am going in to talk to the director for a a few minutes," the boy said to the old man. 

Well in just a few minutes the secretary happen to look up at the old man and he was leaning way over to the left.  She jumped up, went over, grabbed hold of his shoulders, and straighten him up in his wheel-chair.  She went back over to her desk and continued doing some her work.   In a few minutes she looked up and he was leaning way-over to the right, so again she got up, went over and straighten him up.  She was back at her desk, when she looked up again and the old man was leaning way-over forward, so again she went and straighten him up. 

The boy came back in where he was at and he told the boy to get him out of there, "If I ever see this place again it will be too soon.  I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this."

The boy said, "But I thought a few minutes ago you said you liked it here and you thought you would enjoy staying here."

The old man said, "That's before I found out they wouldn't let you fart around here."

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 09:08:35 CDT
From:         joel walker
Subject:      opening shot (warning: some racist humor)

Howard University Law School - Final exam questions

Howard University Law School - Final exam questions


1.  Constitutional Law

Dude commit armed robbery.  After he be arrested, the dude be hungry and ask the police to get him some chicken wings and a RC Cola. The police refuse and give him a bologna sandwich and water instead.

Q: Have the dude's Constitutional rights been violated?


2.  Bankruptcy

Lionel wish to open a bean pie factory.  He borrow $100,000 from the Savings and Loan.  One week later, Lionel file bankruptcy petition due to economic fluctuations.

Q: Can Lionel keep his Cadillac?


3.  Domestic Relations

Sylvester have not paid his non-support money to Yolanda for his and Yolanda's 14 children.  This weekend, Sylvester want to take the children to the Coliseum to see the Jackson Five.

Q: Can Yolanda refuse to let Sylvester take the children?


4.  Banking and Finance

Clifton rob the Consolidated Bank and be running down Clay Street with The Man in hot pursuit.  When Clifton hear the dogs and siren less than 50 feet away, he observe Tyrone walking out of Slaughter's lobby.
He saunter up to Tyrone with sweat pouring down his face and looking over his shoulder and say, "Say brother, would you like to purchase $50,000 worth of readily negotiable securities for $25.00?"
Whereupon Tyrone, an economic advisor for HUD say, "I'll give you $20.00 now and $5.00 next week."
Clifton thus consummate the transaction with the 'right-on' handshake and black power salute.

Q1: If Tyrone be caught, can he give Bondsman Elkins the securities to hold as collateral for this bond?

Q2: Can Clifton consider the $5.00 that Tyrone owe him as accounts receivable for the current tax year?


5.  Insurance

Willard passed on to his final reward after a razor fight, but having first procured a debit insurance policy for $2,000.  After a two week period of bereavement, Lawyer Mimms meets with the family and friends to discuss the estate.

Q1: Does Haverty's Fast Credit Furniture Company have a shot at the insurance proceeds?

Q2: Willard has not cashed his last welfare check.  Can his devoted friend, Coroledda, sign his name to the check and keep the money?


6.  Real Property

Alphonso "Nite-Latch" Jones has not paid the property taxes on the house he inherited from his Uncle Willy Jones for the past 12 years. Before the Sheriff can sell the property, the stove in the living room ignites and reduce Nite-Latch's domicile to ashes.

Q1: Under these unfortunate circumstances, does Nite-Latch still have to pay taxes?

Q2: How much time does Model Cities have to replace the house?

Q3: If Nite-Latch parks his Grand Prix, with the gangster whitewalls, where the house used to be and lives in it, does he have to pay real property tax on the Grand Prix?


7.  Patents and Copyrights

Isador obtain a grant from the Federal Afro Studies Administration to study the impact of the automobile on the black man.
He invent a swivel stand for his auto TV/Stereo/Bar and apply for and receive a U.S. Patent.
While on lecture tour, GMAC successfully repossess his Mark V.

Q1: Would the Neighborhood Legal Aid Society be successful in a suit in the U.S. District Court against GMAC for patent infringement?

Q2: Assuming Isador prevail in his suit against GMAC, can he be reimbursed for his Greyhound passage back to Richmond?


8.  Torts

Deaconess Alvina Johnson, unmarried, give birth in the Fellowship Hall of the Mt. Zion AME to a boy, Hiawatha, who depart this life shortly after birth.

Q: Since Deaconess Johnson have been deprived of extra welfare money, can she sue the mid-wife, Sister Olivetta Simpson, for medical malpractice?


9.  Mathematics

Q1: The judge give a dude 20 years for sellin' crack, with 10 suspended. How much time do the dude have to serve?

Q2: Alreatha have 100 food stamps.  She steal 15 more from Violina and go to Florida.  How many food stamps do Alreatha have?

Q3: Braston have been in a automobile accident.  He get Lawyer Jones to settle the case for $9,000.  Lawyer Jones's fee be one-third. How much do Lawyer Jones rip Braston off for?


10. Biology

Q1: Circle the animal which am not seafood
(a) catfish
(b) eel
(c) crow

Q2: Sickle cell anemia is caused by licking food stamps.

( ) True or ( ) False

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 20:43:47 PDT
From:         Mark R Panitz
Subject:      bus/trains jokes rated G

Funny bumper sticker

I was stopped behind this one at a red light:

GET IN
SHUT UP
HOLD ON

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 23:51:13 MDT
From:         Marianne
Subject:      Funny bumper sticker

How many technical support people does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many technical support people does it take to change a light bulb? A: We have an exact copy of that light bulb here in the lab, an...