9 April 1993

Few lines spoken by people in county court

Here are a few lines spoken by people in county court during the last year:

- "You know what they say, the lowest price is the law at Zellars. But they also expect you to pay. That's also the law." ... Judge to man who stole t-shirts and Christmas cards...

- "The stolen car fairy?" ... Judge to a lawyer who said his client didn't know how a number of stolen cars had ended up on his property.

- "Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross dumbness in the Criminal Code." ... Judge to a man who reluctantly obeyed police orders to leave an area, yelling, "Sieg heil," and goose-stepping away.

- "It's right out of L'il Abner, isn't it?" ... Judge to a man who spat on his brother after a disagreement.

- "He was sleeping and I thought it was a good time to spit on him."... The above spitter to Judge on why he got involved in the incident.

- "He is a consumer of judicial services." ... Judge explaining the politically correct way to refer to a criminal.

- "Sorry Ma'am, this isn't Leon's." ... Judge to woman who wanted a year to pay a $400 fine.

- "This is going to make it a little more difficult." ... Judge to nobody in particular when a Polish interpreter inadvertently attended court to translate for a Portuguese-speaking woman.

- "I didn't see any hamster." ... A witness answering a lawyer's suggestion that she did not see a man, fondling his pet rodent.

- "So how old is your twin brother?" ... Judge to a man who had stolen a car with his twin brother, and who had just identified himself as being 18 years old.

- "You can now go into the Guinness Book of Records as the person who has purchased the most expensive package of Ex-Lax." ... Judge to a shoplifter who was fined $250 for stealing laxatives.

- "Some are borrowed, some are blue." ... Judge finishing a statement by lawyer who said some of his client's charges, "are old, some are new."

- "This isn't Let's Make a Deal. Do you see any doors up here? ... Judge to a man who, when asked to choose between a large fine and a short jail term for an impaired driving conviction, wanted to know the range of each to compare them and then decide.

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 09:08:35 CDT
From:         joel walker 
Subject:      opening shot (warning: some racist humor)

A lawyer and a burned down warehouse

An investigation into the fire that had destroyed Brown's warehouse took almost a year, so when he finally received word that the case had been settled, Brown immediately headed to his lawyer's office to collect the insurance money.

Once there, he was shocked to learn just how large a percentage the lawyer was retaining to cover his services.

"Face it Mr. Brown," the attorney said, "I've earned it, haven't I?"

"Jesus," Brown muttered under his breath, "you'd think _YOU_ started the fire."

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 09:08:35 CDT
From:         joel walker
Subject:      opening shot (warning: some racist humor)

Problems in nursing home

This old man was going to be put in a nursing home so his son went down with him to check out the place and help him get admitted.

First, they went on a tour of the nursing home. The boy pushed the old man around in his wheel-chair and they were shown how nice the rooms were, and how well the people there were treated and taken care of.

When they got back to the admitting office, the boy ask the old man what he thought of the nursing home.  The old man said it was real nice and he thought he would enjoy staying there.

"Well, I'm going to leave you out here with this secretary and I am going in to talk to the director for a a few minutes," the boy said to the old man. 

Well in just a few minutes the secretary happen to look up at the old man and he was leaning way over to the left.  She jumped up, went over, grabbed hold of his shoulders, and straighten him up in his wheel-chair.  She went back over to her desk and continued doing some her work.   In a few minutes she looked up and he was leaning way-over to the right, so again she got up, went over and straighten him up.  She was back at her desk, when she looked up again and the old man was leaning way-over forward, so again she went and straighten him up. 

The boy came back in where he was at and he told the boy to get him out of there, "If I ever see this place again it will be too soon.  I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this."

The boy said, "But I thought a few minutes ago you said you liked it here and you thought you would enjoy staying here."

The old man said, "That's before I found out they wouldn't let you fart around here."

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Date:         Fri, 9 Apr 1993 09:08:35 CDT
From:         joel walker
Subject:      opening shot (warning: some racist humor)

Few lines spoken by people in county court

Here are a few lines spoken by people in county court during the last year: - "You know what they say, the lowest price is the law at...